


home made catastrophes

by rooneysrose



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alcoholism, Depression, Hidden Relationship, M/M, Mentions of Pregnancy, Smoking, anxiety surrounding coming out, not explicitly mentioned), suicide attempt (these are talked about, talks about mental health issues (see past) past: mentions of loss of father, therapy/hospitalisations for mental illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:47:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27231466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rooneysrose/pseuds/rooneysrose
Summary: After years of successfully avoiding going back to their home town for the holidays, Sam’s upcoming marriage forces Dean and Cas to return. The only issue? No one knows they’re gay, and no one knows they’re dating.In which Dean and Cas are best friends who grew up together, left for university but are now faced with telling their family not only that they’re queer, but also that they’re engaged to each other. A fic filled with important conversations, sneaking behind their family’s back, a very awkward encounter and finally, coming out.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, John Winchester/Mary Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 146
Collections: DCBB 2020





	home made catastrophes

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, here we are again, another year, another DCBB.
> 
> I had so much fun working with [natmoose](https://natmoose.tumblr.com/tagged/natmoose-arts). Her art is just amazing, I love it so much. Please do go check out her lovely art and leave some love. Because yeah.
> 
> Many many thanks to d_claiborne, my loveliest, sweetest cheerleader and lifepartner who helped me through this mess of a dcbb.
> 
> Content warnings for;  
> present: mentions of pregnancy, anxiety surrounding coming out, smoking, talks about mental health issues (see past)  
> past: mentions of loss of father, alcoholism, therapy/hospitalisations for mental illness, depression, suicide attempt (these are talked about, not explicitly mentioned)

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


#  NOW

💛💛💛

Leaving home felt wrong somehow. Their carry on bags were already by the door, ready for when they’d leave for the airport. Dean had reassured him ten times that yes, they had packed everything they needed for the short trip. Just yesterday, he’d opened up their bags seven times, checked that both Dean and he had everything packed, that liquids were in a zip lock bag and that it was easily reachable when they went through security.

It had been a long time since they travelled with two bags instead of one big suitcase where they could both plop their stuff in. Granted, usually it was a mess and Castiel ended up fishing things out they didn’t really need but Dean had thrown in just in case, but it worked for them.

For the first time in what felt like years, they weren’t travelling to the same place or a cosy hotel where they could sprawl on the bed and laugh, get excited. This time, they had to do everything in their power to somehow tell the same stories and make it known that they were not together. And you know what, it sucked.

Castiel wasn’t nervous because of the separate bags. He was nervous because this game was high stakes and they couldn’t afford to fuck things up.

Over his life, Dean had gotten comfortable coming out to people. At his job, everyone knew he was coming home to his boyfriend and that it was Dean who sometimes ran to the office to bring him paperwork he had forgotten or just to stop by. His friends in Atlanta knew. The only people who didn’t know, to whom he hadn’t had the gut to come out to were the scariest ones.

His parents.

It had been easy keeping up the ruse before, before they lived together and breathed the same air. Before Dean had proposed to him. The silver ring felt right on his finger,  _ Dean _ felt right next to him. But now, now that he knew he’d be facing his parents, he almost felt like he needed to hide the ring, keep it somewhere precious.

The stakes for telling his parents were so much higher now. It wasn’t only the  _ hey I have had a boyfriend for the last four years, _ but now it was the  _ Hey, I have had a boyfriend for the past four years that I have been engaged to for four months without telling you. _

Originally, he and Dean weren’t even going to fly down for Christmas. Almost every year, they had found some excuse. They both had to work, the money was too tight after getting an apartment, Cas had food poisoning and Dean was staying behind to look after him.

Not this time.

In all honesty, he could have. He could have stayed home, but he would have had to spend it all by himself. Dean was obliged to go and wanted to go. His brother’s wedding was coming up and Sam had made plans to spend the days between the holidays looking for suits. He wanted to have Dean there, to fit but also to advise him. To be the big brother.

And Dean wanted to be that, wanted to be there with and for his brother. Cas couldn’t even blame him that. Both of them were excited about the wedding, happy for the couple if nothing else. Sam and Jessica worked well together, like a team. They had met years ago, when Sam was still fourteen with acne all over his face and Jessica was in that awkward stage where her body seemed too grow too fast for her to keep up with.

Dean and Cas had been right there to see all the awkward flirting until they finally got together when they were sixteen.

It was just unfortunate that they had to schedule this all around christmas. That this all became a forced thing.

They were almost ready to go to the airport. One of Dean’s coworkers at the department had offered to drive them to the airport before his shift and honestly, they were grateful for it. The thought of the cab bill, on top of everything else was just a little bit too much.

“How are you feeling about this?” Dean asked.

“Anxious. Nervous. Like I am going to throw up the entire way there and not be able to eat anything.” Cas knew he was reacting too much to it. That it would be okay. That he could always just leave if things went south but part of him wanted to pull this off, wanted to see his parents, wanted them to support and accept him. “What about you?”

“It’s gonna be okay man. We managed to fool them for long enough, you’ll survive one week.” Which was right. Dean was right, as much as Cas hated it. “Also I am excited, a little nervous, but excited. I haven’t seen them in  _ forever _ .”

“I am sorry we’ve been avoiding them.”

“Me too, I get it though. We needed to.” Cas could tell Dean wanted to say something more, but the doorbell cut him off. For early in the morning, Charlie looked happy,  _ awake. _

“Hi boys, ready to get going?”

💛💛💛

The plane landed with just ten minutes of delay, with the much hated applause that Dean and Cas rolled eyes at each other for. They snuck one last kiss on the plane, before putting on their brave pants and facing their waiting family.

Sam would meet them at the airport and drive them to their all too familiar street. Ever since they were three years old, they’d shared houses in the same street, playing together after school and causing mayhem during playtime. Cas had lost count of how many times Mary or Amelia had driven either of them to the emergency room because they’d fallen and wouldn’t stop crying, or because Cas had gotten stung by a bee and they had forgotten the epi pen somewhere.

“Dean! Cas!” Cas spotted Sam in the sea full of people, Jessica standing besides him. It was hard not too. “How was your flight?”

“Okay, a little bit of turbulence but we survived,” Dean jokes, pulling his brother into a big bug. “How you doing baby brother?”

“Happy to finally see you man, it’s been years.” Which, it had. They had spoken through Skype and kept in touch, but it had been a while since they had all seen each other. “Cas, I see you haven’t changed.”

“Guess that’s what it does,” he sighed. “Happy to say you have. Jessica, good to see you.” He shook their hand, unable to hide the small shake in his hand. If he could bring a person into the operating room, he could talk to his parents for a week and not tell anyone about his fiance. He could do that, he could.

If nothing else, Cas kept repeating it to himself until he had no choice but to believe it.

“How about we get going?” Jessica said with a smile. “Get some food and home? You must have had a long flight.”

Jessica hung behind, letting the brothers do the catching up they needed to do. Watching them, it almost seemed like they had never been apart. Like there weren’t years between them. They were still the same kids pestering each other about homework and partners. The same kids who used to wake the other up by throwing a bucket of ice cold water over them if the other had gotten drunk the night before.

“Sam’s been so excited about you guys dropping by for the holidays,” Jessica said. “Couldn’t shut up about it. Did you get the wedding invites?”

“Dean too,” Cas said, not able to keep the small smile from stretching over his lips too. “We did, thanks. I meant to RSVP but things have gotten hectic the past couple of weeks, you know how hospitals are.”

Which was true, mostly.

The full truth was that it had stung to get separate invites, both for a plus one. It sucked, it really, really sucked. Castiel kept running it over in his head, if this was truly the right way to go. If it was good to keep them in the dark.

But he couldn’t imagine spending the entire wedding pretending to be just friends. He couldn’t imagine pretending to take someone with or being coupled up the entire evening with different girls. Cas knew who he wanted to be dancing with, but as things stood now, he knew they couldn’t.

“I get it, you don’t have to send it back, I will put you down. Just let me know if there’s anything that would make you upstage me by dying at the wedding.”

“Got it.”

💛💛💛

The house was quiet when Castiel unlocked the door to his childhood home. He had known his parents would still be at work this time of day and would be coming home later, but it still felt odd. As if he was breaking in.

“Home sweet home,” he sighed as he dropped the keys on the hook. The ring still burned on his finger. He hadn’t taken it off for the flight and had forgotten to afterwards. If Sam or Jessica noticed it, they hadn’t mentioned it, which he was grateful for.

They had grabbed a quick lunch at McDonalds before driving up. From his house, he could see Mary’s big smile and Dean being smothered in hugs. He could hear the excitement in her voice. To be honest, he’d been happy for it. Happy that Dean got a nice greeting from his mom, that he looked so happy.

“Are you going to sneak out to come see me?” Dean had joked silently when Sam was getting the bags out of the back of the car.

“Leave your window unlocked handsome,” he had laughed back and in that moment, Cas had realised something. This could be just like the old days, when they would sneak out of the house just to spend the rest of the evening laying together on bed, talking and then hiding quickly whenever Mary or Amelia came to check if their respective son was asleep yet. “I just might.”

“What have you got there Cas?” Castiel froze on the spot, his keys clattering out of his hands in surprise. The light in the kitchen turned on, showing not only Anna - who had spoken - but also his mother and father, grins on their faces.

“I thought you guys were at work,” he said, once the first rush of panic had settled in.

“We wanted to surprise you,” his mother said softly. “You have no idea how much we’ve missed you. How’s my baby doing? How was your flight? You must be exhausted.”

“I’ve missed you too mom,” he sighed, pulling her in for a hug. Long gone were the days where she could scoop him up in her arms and he’d feel safe knowing an adult was there. Now, it was him who got to hold his mother. “The flight was okay, tiring but okay. I managed to sleep a bit on the flight. How are you all doing?”

They soon all took turns hugging each other, his father playfully slapping him on the back. It felt nice, seeing them again. Even if Cas had trouble letting go of the anxiety that took free reign on his body, he enjoyed it. He had missed his family. Most of all his mother and Anna.

“I am sure you would like to freshen up a bit,” his mother said. “I put clean sheets on your bed and you know where everything is.”

He took the steps two at a time, thankful to be sliding back onto his bed. His room felt all too familiar. Not as much the teenage smelly room anymore that it used to be, and no more axe body spray anywhere - Cas had quickly stopped using it once he got to college - but all in all, it was still the same. His books were there, the all too familiar desk where he had written paper after paper for college admittance.

“Sooooo,” Anna said, standing in the door. He hadn’t heard her open the door, but here she was. “If you got married without us, I am going to be very, very angry.”

Anna had grown a lot since he last saw her. Fourteen to eighteen made a big difference. He had seen her in photo’s of course, and when they called, but seeing her in real life was something incredibly different.

“As if you would ever let me live that down,” he said. “No, I am not married. It’s… just a little something.”

“Then show me.” She plopped down on the bed next to him, taking his hand to look at the band.

It was beautiful, Cas had to admit that. Maybe that was also part of why Cas had not wanted to take it off. Every single time he looked at it, he remembered the moment in which Dean had proposed and how happy it made him feel. Cas could feel the tears that clung to his face and for once were not sad tears, but happy tears.

“How do you like it?”

“It’s pretty,” she said, thoughtfully. “What’s going on Cas? You’re acting all kinds of off.”

Cas cursed the fact that they’d always been too in sync, that Anna had always been too perceptive for her own good.

“I am not married, but I am engaged,” he said, “and I need you to keep your mouth closed about it. I am going to tell them, but in my own terms.”

“What’s so wrong about this girl?”

“Nothing is wrong, it’s just. It’s difficult to explain. It’s…”He almost  _ wanted  _ to tell her. Wanted one person to know how much he was struggling to keep a secret during this visit.

“Hey,” Anna said, pulling him into a hug. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. You trust me, don’t you?”

Cas did. Maybe it was that that made all of this even more difficult. Because he trusted her, he trusted her and still he had not worked up the guts to tell her the entire four years. Or the years before that when he was making up girl’s names so they wouldn’t know about the guys that he was dating. No one had ever known that but Dean, even if he trusted them.

“It’s not a girl.”

“Dean?” she asked simply, as if she understood, as if she knew. Cas couldn’t bring himself to do anything but nod. “Makes some things you guys used to do make a lot more sense.” She squeezed him a little tighter. “I am happy for you. You look happy with him.”

“Thank you.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


#  THEN

💛💛💛

Dean was sprawled out on the floor, textbooks around him like a halo. They had decided to hang out just to study, but somehow, over the past couple of hours, Castiel had not gotten much done.

He kept looking over at Dean. It was hard not to look at Dean when the pages he had in front of him were maths and he hated doing it. Especially since Dean looked so cute with his hair all fucked up from the hate he’d been wearing today and his sweater a little bunched up. The bright orange socks that Cas had gotten him last year for his birthday as a gift were like the little, red, glossy cherry on top.

At least Cas could say that Dean was not paying that much attention either. He kept picking up his phone, talking to people or looking up funny cat pictures when he thought Cas was not looking. What he was supposed to be doing was reading Jane Eyre for his paper for English class, but that had long stopped being interesting or important.

“Just, hypothetically,” Cas asked him, “what would you say if I said that was on a date last night?”

Dean perked up from his books, closed them and sat up on the floor. “See, you are  _ so much  _ more interesting. I like that.” Dean sat up and looked right at him. “I guess that I would say you hurt my feelings by not having introduced me to her or told me about the date.”

“It was just a first date, it’s nothing official,” he said, shrugging. “That’s why I haven’t introduced you.”

Cas had imagined coming out to Dean many times.

Every single time he ended up backing out, afraid of what he might say. He would go on dates with guys every once in a while, and had lost his virginity to a handsome redhead he had met after a play Anna was in.

Cas had wanted to tell Dean all of that. After things happened, his first kiss, everything. It was the same thing that Dean had done. He’d thrown rocks at the windows and climbed up into the room, still giddy with the happiness and excitement of it. Yet, Castiel had never really gotten that chance.

“Still man, it’s been a while since Ellie. Who is she? Do I know her?”

“You do,” he said, doing his best to ignore the fact that his voice wavered. “His name is James, coached Sam’s softball team?”

“James?” Dean said, frowning. “That’s a weird name, I thought he always had guys as -” He fell silent for a while, just looking at Cas with a curious expression. “James? James James? With the dark curls?”

“Yeah.” James with the soft brown curls and the dark eyes, with a smile that reminded Cas so much of Dean’s that he couldn’t help from imagining he was there with him.

“I didn’t know that he was. That you were.”

“Gay? Yeah, I am.”

“How long have you known?”  _ Since I first realised that I was not just hanging out with you because I liked being with you, but because it gave me butterflies, because you made me feel happy. But because I am in love with you and want to kiss you. _

“Not that long, a couple of years, I think. I only realised it last year.”

“You could have told me man,” Dean said.

“I know, I needed to figure it out for myself first. It wasn’t easy.” It hadn’t been easy. He had felt weird and foreign to himself for a long time. Not until he saw the first gay boys on tv and realised that thewre was nothing wrong with that. Not until he saw them stand up for themselves. Not until they were assigned a book with queer characters and it wasn’t just pure misery.

“Of course, I am glad you told me.” Dean pulled his books together and put them away in his bag before dropping onto the bed besides Cas. “So. How was it?”

It almost felt awkward between them, until Dean relaxed and spread out on the bed. It wasn’t any different than it was when they had talked about dates either of them went on.

“It was okay, kind of nice. We just went to the movies, not much to talk about.”

The movie had been...bad at best. Castiel had had to fight the urge to nod off and that had only been because he kept looking over at James, because he held his hand in his.

“The movie was bad but making fun of it afterwards was great,” he added, “I think you’d hate it and would have walked out to be very honest with you.”

“I am sorry man, will you guys be seeing each other again?”

“I don’t know,” Cas admitted. Even though he had loved spending time with James, he didn’t necessarily feel anything big towards him. It felt like just a fling, a small case of longing that would disappear. “We’ll see when he texts me.”

“Gotta say Cas, you fooled me. Here I thought that you were just at your therapist because you had an emergency. You texted me you’d be there.” Dean ran his hand through his hair. “You got me all worried man.” Cas always felt guilty about pulling the therapist card. He tried his best to come up with something else every single time.

Truth was, it was a convenient lie. He’d been in therapy for the best part of two years, when his parents decided that they had enough of him laying around and not doing anything, or him skipping school. They didn’t know what was behind it because Cas never talked to them, but they’d decided that was best for him anyway.

Castiel had to say he was thankful for it. Thankful That they’d made the decision for him.

“It wasn’t a complete lie,” he offered up. “I was there before I went to the date and there was an emergency.”

“What happened man?”

It was hard to explain what had happened last night. Castiel had started thinking about the date and had started to spiral. He had started to feel the darkness settle over him like a blanket again and he refused to let it happen. When his usual plan hadn’t worked, he called her up and spoke with her for the better part of an hour, until she had calmed him down and talked him out of it.

Castiel had still gone on the date, even though he still felt on edge and there was still the darkness threatening to linger and come around again.

‘I started to spiral, so I called her,” he said, “If I hadn’t, I don’t know what could have happened, to be very honest with you.”

He hadn’t wanted to call Dean in the moment, because seeking his support would have meant telling him about the date and who it was with. He wouldn’t have been able to deal if Dean didn’t approve.

“She talked me through it.”

“You okay now?” Dean asked, brow still furrowed. “Nothing sticking around?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted honestly. “Kind of? I am not feeling 100%, but you can't always feel that way always.”

“You do realise you’ve been saying that ever since you got off your meds?”

“Yeah, I do. She wants to start me on a low dose again maybe, see if it has more effect. We’ll talk about it next week.”

“Not… the bad stuff?”

“No Dean.” Castiel turned around in the bed so Dean could come sit next to him. “None of the bad stuff.”

There was a lot of history between them, when it came to his mental health. There was the day that they’d gone swimming and Cas had let himself float down to the bottom of the swimming pool. It had been Dean who pulled him out and kept him on his side until all of the water was out of him. There was the time that Dean had gotten curious because Cas had suddenly stopped messaging him back and he found them contemplating a pill bottle in the dark.

Castiel felt guilty about all of it. Dean was not a good talker, not always, not when it came to feelings. Sometimes, Cas felt like he had forced himself to be in that spot anyway. Dean said it wasn’t that he was forced to do it. He said he checked in on him because he was worried and just w ianted his best friend to be okay and feel okay.

If he was honest, the best friend had left a sour note in the back of his mouth. Because yes, that’s all they were, regardless of what Castiel might hope they could one day be.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


#  NOW

💛💛💛

  
  


CAS - 00.12

_ Where you sleeping? _

DEAN - 00.13

_ Old bedroom, why? _

CAS - 00.14

_ You will see _

_ ] _ Climbing onto the first floor and through Dean’s window had been easier, back in the day. It had been a long time since he’d used his muscles for more than running through the hallways. Not for climbing buildings. If anything, he was lucky that the lattice still held him.

“What are you doing here?” Dean whispered, helping him get through the window. When they were finally both in the room, Cas pulled him into a big hug.

“Is it bad that I already missed you?”

“Maybe a little,” Dean admitted with a smile. “But it’s cute, you got that going for you. How was your family?’

“They were okay. It was actually kind of nice seeing them again, Anna has changed a lot since we last saw her. I… I told her about us,” he admitted sheepishly, “she asked. Maybe not directly, but, I had to tell someone.”

“How did she take it?”

They plopped on the bed together, like they had done so often when they were kids. The bed wasn’t quite as roomy as it used to be, when they were eight years old and were playing a game or just talking. Sometimes napping because they fell asleep while listening to music. It felt comfortable. Cas would never stop feeling at home in the house. He knew he was an intruder right now, but he still felt like he belonged to be there. Which felt nice, really nice.

“She’s happy for us,” he said, “proud, says you make me seem happy.”

“I would hope so,’ Dean laughed. “Also about the engagement?”

“She was just a little hurt that she wasn’t aware of this. She also insists she’s too old to be the flower girl, but she will consider being the best maid if I ask her really, really, really nicely.”

“Always going to be Anna,” he laughed, “that’s good though, I am so happy Cas. Happy it went well.” Dean intertwined his fingers in his. “What about your parents?”

“I don’t know how to tackle that. Just blurt it out or… I don’t know. Can you imagine? Hey mom, just so you know I am engaged even though you never even knew I was gay, but also it’s with my childhood best friend.”

“A lot of old trips we took are suddenly going to look  _ very _ suspicious, huh?”

“I mean, your mom already thinks you just went to Spain with me to flirt with girls and get laid. She even asked me, you know?”

Dean couldn’t help but laugh at that. They  _ had _ gone to Spain to flirt and get laid, but it hadn’t quite gone the way that either of their families thought.

“What did you say?”

“That you did nothing of the sort but you did check out a lot of girls, who refused you. I had to think of  _ something.” _

“I can’t believe you made me have so little luck with them. I could have at least scored one girl Cas. Just one. That makes sense why my mom is still trying to set me up with other people. She must think I am useless with dating.”

They laughed and laid in silence for a while, just Dean, Cas and the too small bed forcing them to spoon together. Cas had changed into an old sleeping shirt of Dean’s, just for now. He would have to get changed to go back home, so his family wouldn’t be suspicious, but at least for now he could be comfortable.

“How were your parents? How was Sam? Did they ask?” Cas whispered in the dark room.

“They were okay, I missed them man. There was a lot of hugging, my mom cried a little bit, which is not surprising knowing her. It was nice to hang out with Sam for a while. I missed all the boring lawyer talk he’s capable of. They went home after dinner. Didn’t ask though. Sure, they asked if I had a girl back there. I told them I didn’t, which is not technically a lie. They’re just not asking the right questions.”

“I get it,” Cas sighed. “I am glad though Dean. I know you missed them a lot. You love them. Do you want to tell them?”

“I’ve wanted to tell them for four years now,” he admitted, “never seem to be the right time. Jess is pregnant, by the way.” Dean let his fingers rest against Cas’s back. “How do you tell them after that bomb? I didn’t really want to steal their moment.”

“Uncle Dean,” he joked. “It’s gonna look great on you.”

“Isn’t it? Sam’s going to be a great dad. I’d say he’s young but then again, how can you say anything bad. He said they’re ready and were trying to get pregnant. Close to the wedding if you ask me, but if she wants to get married that way, can’t say that I have anything against it.”

“What about Mary?”

“She’s over the moon to be getting her first grandchild. She’s happy. I think she’s happy her family is back together. I am sure dad would have given Sam a lecture about it though. You knew him.”

“Yeah, he would have. A patented Winchester Lecture.”

“One for the history books.”

“Do you regret it? That you never got to tell him?”

“No, I am not. I am glad he’s out of it all. I wouldn’t put it past him to disown me, to be very frank.”

John had never been the most loving dad. He’d. been difficult in their childhood. So much so that Mary kicked him out the house for weeks at a time when she suspected he was day drinking again. They’d tried everything, before the boys were born. Rehab, sponsors, everything. But every time, John had seemed to go back to drinking. It had never been a secret. Castiel remembered the rumbling downstairs when they had sleepovers and John came home early in the mornings, how the downstairs smelled vile - a smell they couldn’t yet place as stale, dried beer.

It was his drinking that in the end did him in. He swerved into the wrong side of the road, hit a tree. He was nothing but a charred skeleton by the time the firefighters got there. It had been difficult. Sam was twelve, Dean sixteen. Even though he’d been kicked out of the house, each member of the Winchester family had love for him, fond memories. Sometimes, things just worked out like that.

“Mom would have never let that happen to me.” Dean said, “I think, very honestly, that it would have been him to pack his bags and leave.” He loved his mother, more than anything in the world. “I don’t know.”

“You want her to know?”

“I do,” he sighed, “I don’t know, I guess I just don’t want to disappoint her. What if she reacts wrong? I just don’t want to lose her too man.”

Castiel was still deep in slumbers, his head on Dean’s chest. He didn’t know how he would have slept without Dean. It was years after sleeping together, with if nothing else Dean’s smell in the sheets next to him, he didn’t think he would have been able to sleep much.

They’d been… good about it. Set an alarm so they would wake up early and Cas could sneak out. It left Dean time enough to shower and get ready before Sam would arrive for a busy day of fittings and choices.

He snuggled closer to Dean, letting his heartbeat lull him back into a comfortable sleep.

There was suddenly a lot of light in their bedroom. Castiel blinked against the brightness, curling deeper into Dean’s chest in an attempt to get rid of it and go back to sleep. It felt as if he had barely managed to get to sleep, but then, that might have been their own mistake.

“Wake up sleepy head,” Sam’s voice was way too loud for the mornings. Way too loud.

It took Castiel a minute before he registered.

Sam’s voice.

He was holding Dean very close.

The light was on.

_ Fuck. _

“Oh. I will. Give you a minute there.” Sam was out of the door before Castiel could even lift his head up. Dean had gone still next to him, his body stiff, his breathing stopped.

“Fuck.” Both of them were awake in an instant. “Fuck. Fuck.” Dean was in classic freakout mode. “I should have known he’d be here early and come wake me up at eight. Fuck. Christ.”

Cas was already out of bed, slipping on his jeans and exchanging the shirt for his sweater. The cold had hit him the second his feet hit the wood, but he was welcome for it. A wake up call.

What he wasn’t welcome for, was how things had gone.

Dean had asked him if he hadn’t wanted to stay. They’d set an alarm for nine, so Cas would be able to sneak out before anyone would come in to disturb him. It was always ten before anyone had needed them, especially on travel days.

“Are you guys decent?” came a weak voice from the other side of the door. “Can I come in?”

“What do you want to do?” Cas whispered, but Dean just sat there, motionless. For a moment, all he wanted to do was crawl inside his head and know what he was thinking. “He’ll be cool with it Dean, he will. He’ll be okay.”

“Come on in,” Dean said back. He’d pulled the sheets over him. Not that they had really been indecent. It was their regular sleep clothes at best.

Sam’s face was still a little red in the cheeks, but there was another something that was clear in his face. Amusement.

“Just shut the door behind you, will you?” Sam closed the door behind it, careful so it smoothly clicked into the lock.

“Well I didn’t want you to find out like this,” Dean sighed, surprisingly calm. It always surprised Cas, how good he sometimes was in crisis situations. Maybe it was that that made him such a good cop.

“It’s cool,” Sam said, shrugging. “Don’t get me wrong I didn’t want to walk in on you doing… whatever that was.”

“It is called sleep Sam,” Dean said. “Sleeping. You can’t tell mom, just. Don’t okay.”

“Don’t cut me off will you? It’s cool man, I am happy for you.” He could almost feel some of the tension ease out of him.

“You mean that?”

“Yeah, of course,” he sighed. “I am not going to say that I am not surprised because NO, I was not expecting this, but it’s okay. How long?”

“Four years,” Dean sighed, “I wanted to tell you Sam, I really did, but. Well.”

“Do you want to talk to just Sam?” Cas offered silently, feeling very much like the third wheel in this moment. He knew that this was a private moment, that he shouldn’t intruide on. Dean should get the chance to talk to him candidly, without Cas being there.

“Kind of, is that okay?”

“Of course,” he said, going for the window. “We’ll talk to me later, call me?”

“Will do, sir,” Dean joked.

“Moms not home, you can go through the front,” Sam offered up. “I don’t get how you can still get here through the window.”

“You know what, me either,” Cas laughed, “see you Sam.’

Instead of immediately going home, Castiel took a walk. It had been a long time since he’d walked these all too familiar streets. There were shops he wanted to check out. Mostly, Cas wanted to find something nice for Dean.

Something to help him soothe a little bit. He knew that this was not how he had wanted Sam to figure things out and that today would probably be a little bit awkward.

  
  
  
  


DEAN - 16.40

_ Do you want to hang out? _

_ We’re done with wedding stuff _

_ Sam wants to grab a beer _

_ Asked me if you wouldn’t come over _

CAS - 16.40

_ Before dinner? _

_ Where? _

  
  


It didn’t take Cas long to find Sam and Dean huddled in the back of the cafe, hogging the best corner table. Sam pulled him in for a hug when he got there, as did Dean. Cas slid into the booth next to Dean, letting his knee meet Dean’s. Dean squeezed his slightly.

“You cannot believe how many suits Sam tried on,” Dean groaned. “And made me try on. There was a  _ whit _ e one Cas. A  _ white one _ .”

“I  _ am  _ sorry to have missed that,” Cas laughed. “Please tell me you have pictures.”

“He stole my phone so I couldn't,” Sam admitted. “Otherwise, gladly. We did find what we were looking for though, so I would say the day was a success.” Sam took a drink and looked at both of them for a while, as if taking them in in a completely different light.

“You know, your staring is very subtle,” Cas chimed in.

“I gotta say I am proud of you two. It takes a lot of guts to manage to evade the entire Winchester and Novak family about y’all for four years.”

“Gotta do what you gotta do.” Castiel didn’t know how much Dean had told Sam and how much of it was still a secret, how Sam had reacted once Cas was out of the way and they could really talk. “You okay with it?”

“Of course, Cas. You two look great together. Besides, you know the drill. If you ever break his heart…”

“Very funny.” Dean rolled his eyes at his brother. “But that time is  _ long _ past.”

“Congratulations by the way,” Cas said, smiling. “A father huh?”

“I see Dean already told you,” Sam said, a small twinkle in his eyes. It was clear to Cas how happy Sam was with all of this, how excited he was about becoming a dad. “It’s still early stages, but we should figure out if it’s a boy or a girl soon.”

“Exciting. How’s Jess? She doing okay?”

“She had a rough couple of weeks at first - she wanted to call you, to be very honest, but I didn’t know if you would want that.”

“You can alway call me Sam.” If anything, it flattered him. Usually, Cas didn’t like it when family decided that he was the source of all information, but he made an excuse when it was people that he loved. “Worst case scenario, I tell you to call your own doctor about it, best case scenario, I can tell you that it’s normal and she shouldn’t worry about it.”

“I’ll tell her.” Sam smiled, as if remembering something. “Show me man, where’s that ring?”

“You told him?”Cas asked Dean.

“Yeah, it felt weird hiding that now.” Cas stretched out his hand, showing him the ring. It was simple, small, but it meant a lot to Cas. if anything, he was glad that he could always wear it now. He always wore it around his neck during his hospital shifts.

“Fair,”Cas said, “Please tell me how we managed to go from  _ let’s tell them nothing and if we have to or want to let’s on christmas _ to  _ we both told our siblings within 24 hours. _ ”

“It does make me wonder how you guys even survived those four years.”

“Distance Sam, distance. It’s easy not to say when you’re a flight away and don’t see each other.”

“You mean to say you’re lucky that we never came to visit and stayed over.”

“Exactly.”

Dean and Cas walked home together, leaving Sam to talk to some of his friends who had arrived in the bar after a couple of drinks. They were comfortably tipsy, not quite to the point of being drunk.

“Are you glad you told him?”

“Feels free,” Dean admitted. “It was nice. Not that I wanted him to find out by seeing us in bed together, but at least it taught him to knock next time.”

“Are you telling me that you want me to sneak in again?”

“Maybe,” he offered up. “It was nice, not to have to sleep there alone. Besides, it’s not like we never did that before we went off to college, sneak into each other's rooms that is.”

“You really did forget about that time, did you?” Castiel laughed, watching as Dean’s ears turned red.

“Listen, we were drunk okay.”

“I am glad that you did kiss me though, that was nice.” It had been their first kiss, forgotten for a long time. Until they went to college and danced around it for ages before they eventually gave in and became a couple.

“I am just teasing Dean. it would be nice.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


#  NOW

💛💛💛

With only a few days left until Christmas, Cas was getting nervous.

On many occasions, he’d tried to get his parents alone so he could talk to them, but both Amelia and Chuck lead very busy lives. Often, in the other times, they were hanging out or Anna had friends over and…

He opened his mouth so often to tell them the news and every single time, it felt like his throat closed up and he couldn’t speak. The words just wouldn’t come out and he’d change the subject.

Anna had come to talk to him on a couple occasions, and Cas could not lie. It felt very nice. He had never really talked to Anna much. Over the years, they’ve closed off from each other. She was there but young when he went through a lot of shit and spent a couple of months away from home.

“What did you get for Dean?” she asked. Anna was laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. The glow in the dark stars from when he had been a child still hung there. He had never bothered to take them down, and that was fine with him. As a teen, he had been too lazy and even though they definitely made it feel like a Childrens room, he didn’t mind it. It was not like he spent all too much time in this room as was.

She was playing with a hair tie, even though her once long hair was now too short for it.

“I got him a necklace,” Cas said. “I am going to give it to him once we’re back at our apartment, feels nicer that way.”

He had not known what to get for him at first. After four years together, it sometimes didn’t feel like each of them could get the other something else. Sure, their life was not perfect and Castiel worked long days - another reason that not being able to spend time together right now was not a good thing.

“I bet he will like it,” she said. “It seems sweet. So he can wear it under his police uniform.”

“I guess so, yes. It will also be nice because he can hang his ring off of there, for when he cannot wear it or is afraid that he will lose it.”

“Can I ask you something Cas?

“Of course?

“When did you figure out that you are gay? Are you gay?” He looked at his sister questioningly. She was looking at him now. “I just, I am trying to think about it. But I have questions.”

“I knew for the first time I thought when I was twelve years old. I knew that other boys were starting to say that they were in love with girls and liked girls. They’d look at the older girls and say how nice their boobs were, or their ass, but I just never looked at girls that way.” he started.

“Then, I was only noticing boys. How I thought other boys looked cute and I would want to hang out with them a lot. Like, all the time. I spent my days thinking  _ maybe if I lent him my pen, we'll be friends and then we can hang out all the time.” _

Anna started laughing at that.

“Listen, I know, it’s dumb. But I pushed it aside for a while. Until I turned fourteen, fifteen? I started looking at Dean differently, feeling things for Dean. You could say he was my first crush that never passed. I knew that Dean wasn’t anywhere in reach, so I dropped it. Then, when they brought me to the hospital for a while, he was one of the only people who would come visit me on the regular and didn’t just come once and then give up. It’s when I realised it wasn’t going away. It gave me a lot of time to think, being there, it’s where I figured out that yes, I am gay and no I don’t feel anything towards girls and that is okay.”

“Why did you go into hospital Cas?”

“They never told you?”

‘No, they just said you were sick and you needed to be there for a while. I remember visiting you and you looking  _ really _ sick, so I just figured it was something they didn’t want me to know about.”

“Because…” Cas fell silent. It was not something he liked talking about. Even though he had talked through a lot in therapy, it still felt different. Even his parents didn’t really know what had happened, only Dean knew.

“Because I tried to kill myself.”

Anna was quiet for a long, long time after he said that. Cas kept waiting for her to say something, anything at all. But she wouldn’t.

She seemed deep in thought, as if she was figuring out a math problem in her brain.

“Did you. You did it on purpose?”

“Yes,” he admitted, “and yes, I did want to succeed. I was really, really angry when they pulled me out and I woke up in hospital.” He remembered that day very well, how he was angry at everything and everyone. “I know that I was horrible to everyone. Because I had planned this, I had planned this very well.”

“What did you do?”

“Are you sure you want to now?”

“If you are up for talking about it, yes.” Anna invited him over to the bed and they laid next to each other, each a head on their own respective pillow. “I know it can be… hard to talk about things like that Cas. You don’t have to. I am curious, but it is up to you.”

“I had saved up medication for a while. I’d go into one shop and buy a box of pain medicine and then I’d go to another and do the same. I managed to save up quite a bit that way. After that was done, I kept stealing bits of dad’s alcohol, stole small sums of money until I had enough to buy me something big. I didn’t get it myself, a friend bought it for me because they figured that I wouldn’t use it for this reason. I guess they thought I was just planning a party.”

Cas remembered putting the pills on his lips and flushing them down, again and again and again. Then, he remembered blacking out.

“I took them, and the alcohol when you guys would be all out of the house. You were staying over at a friends house and mom and dad were out and wouldn't be back anytime soon. I figured that it would give me enough time. I made sure to hide the evidence, so it looked like I just went to sleep. I knew that there was a chance that I would puke it up. I don’t know.”

“But then, how did you get to the hospital?”

“Dean, I called him, left him a voicemail, he got there ten minutes later, found me with the pills and called an ambulance because I was barely breathing. Things went to shit after that. They kept me inpatient because I tried to trick them into giving me more meds and because I was so angry about being back. Brought me to the hospital. I spent a month in a room that was empty of my belongings and anything at all I could hurt myself off of. Which was fair. I would have hurt myself. I didn’t sleep much even if I pretended that I slept. It kept me awake constantly, the feeling that I was so useless that I couldn’t even kill myself. Ironic, in a way, because killing yourself is really, really hard.”

She pulled him in for a hug at that, a hard one. He could feel how restrained he was but the truth was, he didn’t even mind that much, it felt nice.

“I am okay now, Anna, I went through therapy, got meds. I am still on them, because every single time that I’ve tried to get off of them, it just ends up getting bad again. But I am happy with them, I can actually feel happy with them.”

“I am so happy that you have Dean,” she said against his neck. “But you’ve got me too, okay? I know I was young, but I care for you, Cas. And if it matters any at all, I am very very glad that you’re here.”

“That means a lot,” he admitted. “I am sorry that they kept that secret from you, even though I understand why they did that. It was not fair to you and I am sorry.”

CAS

I told Anna about everything

DEAN

Everything?

  
  


CAS

Hospital, everything that way.

They never told her anything about it. Just lied.

I am sorry for her

DEAN

Are you okay? Are you safe?

CAS

I am, it wasn’t easy

But not nasty either

It felt good telling her

She said I can trust her too

And tell her

You know, just in case anything

DEAN

I am very glad you’re safe cas

I love you

CAS

I love you too

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


#  THEN

💛💛💛

His mother had never really liked Dean much when they got to their teens. Castiel couldn’t figure out why that was.

He wondered if she blamed him. Blamed him for the things that were different about Cas now. He didn’t have the heart to tell her that the only reason that she still had a son was probably Dean and his motorcycle, Dean, who was sometimes rude to her. Rude to her, only because of things Cas told him that just made things worse for him at home.

So yes, she had objected when Dean rolled up to their driveway with the motor and invited Cas on the back.

Castiel didn’t know where they were driving, but he knew that he felt free for the first time this holiday. Ever since school had ended, his mother had been on his back even more than she was before. From being forced to do too many chores to do, from having to find a job to do so he could earn a little something, for belittling every single hobby that he wanted to do.

They drove next to shores that Cas had never had a chance of seeing, through woods and busy towns. It was an hour and a half before Dean dropped them off at a small beach. There wasn’t anyone here, just the two of them and the sun setting in the background.

“Why did you bring me here?”

“I wanted to talk to you,” Dean offered. “A serious conversation.” Fear tangled in Cas’s gut. A serious conversation never sounded good. It usually led to a conversation that he didn’t want to be a part of, like the time his parents had set him down and told him that they loved each other but that they would be separating for a little while.

“Okay?” He knew his nervousness wasn’t hidden well in his voice. It must have been the first time he’d left his bedroom in days. The first time he had pulled on proper clothes, that he had taken a shower. Dean had said that he wanted to hang out and Cas had tried very hard to make sure he was up for it.

“Come, sit down.” Dean walked over to a fallen tree and sat down, padded the spot next to him. “Sit.”

“Okay?”

“Is something wrong Cas?” He asked in a soft voice. Castiel didn’t like the worry in it. “You’re acting, very off this summer. During school too, but I figured it was just because you were tired because I know it was a lot. I just don’t recognise you right now man.”

“I don’t know,” he admitted honestly. He didn’t feel up for talking about it, if he was very honest. These were things he’d never gotten good at talking about. “Not really?”

“Then did I do something wrong?”

“No, you didn't.

“You’re not talking to me. You’re ignoring me. You’re not even leaving the house.” Castiel wondered how he even knew that.

“I am worried about you. What’s going on?”

“I guess,” Castiel fell silent, finding it hard to look for the words to follow now. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, if that is what you’re asking. It’s been going on for a few years now. Less than now? But it’s been going on for a while. I am not okay.”

God, he hated saying that. Hated how tears pricked behind his eyes at finally admitting that no, he was not okay. That there was nothing to hide behind. It was just Cas and not because of difficult or a lot of homework, it wasn’t because of finals or essays.

“It’s okay man.”

“It wasn’t an accident, when you pulled me out of the pool. I didn’t get a cramp.” It had been such a convenient lie. They’d been swimming with Sam over at a friends house and they had a deep pool. It was one of the kinds that was great for just lounging around and a little bit of diving.

All in all, it had been a good day. It was fun. He and Dean had spent some time splashing around and kicking water at each other. The entire time, he couldn’t ignore the voice in the back of his head talking to him, keep on thinking about how he could just float to the bottom of the pool and stay there.

“Then what happened?” Dean asked. It seemed like he knew very well what Castiel had tried that day, but that he needed to hear it for himself. That he needed to know that he was just not reading into something that he had no business reading into.

“I tried to drown myself in the pool, only you prevented me from doing it.”

This quieted Dean. For a minute, Castiel worried that this was the wrong thing to do. That Dean was going to freak out on him and that this would be the final time they would ever speak to each other. That Dean would just abandon him and didn’t want to be there for him. That Dean would just leave.

He knew other people would do it. Dean should be no exception.

It was hard to hear that a friend of yours is going through that, and even harder to support that person. Castiel didn’t want to put that on Dean, not at all, but he knew that by saying that he was putting exactly that onto Dean.

Fuck, this was all the wrong decision.

“Why?

“I don’t know, I cannot explain why. I know that there is not too much that I need to feel like this about but I do anyway. I do feel sad and lonely and fucked up every single day of my life.” It wasn’t a constant, some days he woke up feeling okay and actually got out of bed and took a showe, but then by the time that he came out of that shower, he was so exhausted that he just crawled right back into bed and wouldn’t leave it.

He would spend the entire day mindlessly watching things on television and on youtube in an attempt to shut his head up.

“It’s just, it’s there. Like it’s always been in me and my brain just cannot keep up with the fact that yes, this is how we’re feeling on good days. It was easier during the school year because I had things that I was doing and working on and that I needed to do because otherwise I knew that I would not be able to do anything else or I knew that I would fail, but now that it’s summer and there is nothing, it’s so much harder to quiet that part of myself and focus on anything at all.”

“I am so sorry Cas,” Dean said quietly, “I had no idea.”

“No one does,” he admitted, “only me and now you I guess. Not evnen my paretns, they think that I am just being a dumb teenager and that I need to grow up. Their words, not mine. They think I need a job and things to do so I don’t become lazy but I don’t know.

Just looking for a job online seems painful and like it would just… not be a good idea. Not when I can just stay in bed and do nothing because I do not have the energy to do anything at all.”

God, he hated himself for rambling so much to Dean and he hated the fact that he was throwing this all on him. It was dumb, it was selfish, it was so many different ways of wrong.

“Why didn’t you reach out to anyone?”

“Because it’s hard Dean, it’s really, really fucking hard.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


#  NOW

💛💛💛

Things were easier, with Dean on his side. They’d both taken a day away from festivities to do some last minute shopping. Both of them had already done all their shopping back at home and had them sent to their respective parent’s houses, so all they really needed to do before tomorrow.

But it was a nice excuse to spend time together. They could go through some shops, stop for coffee, have lunch together. Even if it didn’t include any of their usual banter or a sneaky stop at a sex shop to peruse the toys, as they sometimes did for the fun of it, it was nice.

They were in a coffee shop, sat down in the middle of the place with their too expensive coffee’s that they really got a chance to finally talk.

“How do you feel about tomorrow? Okay?”

“I think so,” Cas offered, “I don’t know, I think I know when I want to tell them, and how I want to tell them, I just don’t know if it will actually go that way. I guess. I have tried to tell them a couple of times, but I never managed to actually say it. It’s pathetic.”

“I don’t think so, if anything, I get it,” Dean said, bringing the still scalding hot coffee to his lips. He blew on it gently, trying to get it at least a little bit cooler. “I have tried so many times, but there’s always something else. Wedding talk, about Jess and Sam having a baby, how excited mom is that she will be a grandmother. It almost makes me feel guilty. She keeps asking me when I am going to bring a girl home and I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t think that I  _ will _ bring a girl home.”

“How do you think she will react?”

“I don’t know. I think she will be okay with it, to be very honest with you. She’s always been open minded, open to new ideas. And she herself was the person that voted for same sex marriage, but I don’t know. That’s what kills me.”

To be fair, it was what killed Cas too. The uncertainty of not knowing anything. Not knowing how tomorrow would settle the rest of their lives. Which it sure would.

Either it would make their lives better and their parent’s would be okay with it, but otherwise, well, they would have to pack up and leave and try to catch an earlier flight. Which honestly, Cas feared.

He knew that he had no reason to really fear it.

His parents had been supportive, even if it was harsh of them when he was dealing with depression. Even if it had taken them a while to come around the fact that their son was on medication to treat that depression.

They’d come around and reminded him of his pills and personally dragged him to the pharmacy when he forgot to say he went without and the depression had come back because he missed doses.

“I get it, me too.” He sighed. “I think Mary will be okay with it though. She will be. She’s a good mom, all she wants is what is best for her boys. If the best for her Dean is getting married to me, well, I think she’ll like that. Plus, she likes me. She’s always liked me.”

“She liked you so much because the first time you spent time at our house on a playdate, you offered to wash up the dishes and help her out with cleaning up after us. Even as a toddler you pulled me into the play game they always used to do at your house, where you would clean up your dinosaurs by figuring out how many you have.” Dean was laughing now, and honestly, it felt really, really nice to hear.

“You’re right, she’ll like it.”

They spent most of the rest of the day lounging around, going from shop to shop and having pizza in their all too familiar pizza place. They’d been there for birthday parties ever since they were kids and had always ordered the same things, even now they were adults.

“It kind of sucks that we can’t just stay at one person’s place and actually have time together like this always,” Cas sighed, “I am starting to get bruises from always sneaking in your window.”

“How about I come visit you tonight?” Dean asked, ‘It’s about time that I paid you back for that.”

“Just don't get Anna’s room by accident,” Cas laughed, because he knew it wouldn’t be the first time that he climbed through Anna’s window, only to urgently knock on his door so his parents wouldn’t catch him out in the hallway.

At that point, Anna had gotten so used to her brother sneaking out of the house to spend time with the Winchesters, that it didn’t face her in the slightest anymore. Which was lucky, because otherwise, she might have been suspicious for a lot longer.

Truth be told, when they were kids, it wasn’t like they did anything, or that they were a couple. They’d just lounge around together, talk, watch movies, and sometimes fell asleep together. When they’d been ten, it had lead to Mary calling his mother in the morning asking if it was possible that Dean was already there and had ended up with her calling Mary back that Dean was indeed fast asleep in Cas’s twin bed and that she would get them both to school if she just bought over a clean set of clothes for him to wear.

Sure, it had led to a lecture of both of their parents about how it wasn’t okay to do that and that if they wanted to sleep over at each other’s houses, they should let them at least ask if it was okay and let both of their parents know.

Truth be told, they knew that it never really changed much. They still did it, until late in their teens. Sometimes, because Cas was unsafe and needed someone to be there for him. Other times, just so they could have a nice time and bitch about teachers and homework and college essays. Then, one last final time to celebrate the fact that they were moving off to college, because truth be told, it had been a big deal.

“You know I love you right?” Cas asked quietly, happy to finally be able to say the words out loud after days of just being able to properly say them over text. The cafe was so busy that they didn’t really have any chances to be overheard, which confronted both of them.

“I do. I love you too you asshole,” Dean laughed.

  
  


Dean came through on his promise to crawl into his room. It was already dark outside by the time he finally arrived, the house filled with snores.

“Hey handsome,” he sighed as he pulled Castiel into a hug, hands on his butt. “I have missed you.”

“Missed you too,” Cas whispered back, kissing him on the lips. Soon, Dean pushed him back towards the bed, their kisses growing more urgent as they let their hands explore for the first time in what felt like weeks, but probably had been only days.

Just like that very first time, years ago, they had sex in Cas’s teenage bed, including the creaking that it brought on with it. Back then, they’d been slightly drunk. Dean had suddenly kissed Cas and instead of being shy about it, he’d let himself feel it. He’d let Dean push him gently down on the bed and kiss his mouth and his cheeks, the base of his throat, his ears. They had gotten each other off, clumsily. But it had been nice and it had felt nice. Nice because it had been something that Cas had wanted for so incredibly long.

Something he never thought he would have. Not until then. And then he did. He had Dean breathing softly against his chest, tired but happy.

This time, it was much the same. He felt happy having Dean curled against his chest. This time, they had actually gone out and set an alarm for early in the morning, so that Dean could go out on his morning run, or at least, pretend to do exactly that.

“I love you, so much,” he sighed, running his fingers through Dean’s hair.

“Love you too,” Dean muttered back. “I hope tomorrow goes well.”

“Me too, it should. It is all going to be okay Dean.”

God, Cas hoped so with his entire heart and soul. He hoped that things would be okay and that it was the truth that yeah, they would actually do that. Because, yes, Castiel was afraid that no, it wasn’t going to go well or that yes, his parents would say something and that this would be the first time that they went but at the same time also the last time.

“I know, I think deep down that I know that it is going to be okay.”

Castiel didn’t feel all that sure about it anymore after Dean had left the house. Festivities would only be happening at dinner for his family, so the Winchesters had invited him to come on in and say hi to them. As with every year, Cas had gotten a present for Mary and Sam and Dean and he knew they would have for him.

It had always been like that, ever since they were small kids and their families noticed that they were spending a lot of time together. They had done evenings at his place and then days at the Winchesters. This year would be slightly different because Sam and Dean had other relatives coming in during the evening, but during the day, it was their time to be together.

He pulled on one of his christmas sweaters, even if he knew it would be a little bit too warm for it and loaded his presents into a bag. He had gotten Mary a couple of cookbooks that she had told Dean that she was missing from her collection, and for Sam he had gotten a dumb tie that he knew Sam would hate, but that was all the fun of it. It had a unicorn print with purple and blue splotches of color. He had gotten Sam and Jess a small baby blanket as well, just to give them a little something extra, but that was that.

For Dean, he’d gotten a coffee cup that had a dumb saying about being a cup, both because it was dumb but also because he knew Dean would use it at work just to spite some of his co-workers. Sometimes, they were assholes but Cas knew that he at the end of the day was great friends with them and that he wouldn’t change them for anyone in the world. Which Cas thought was sweet of him. It was better than he thought of some of his colleagues. He had a couple that he appreciated a lot, but there were also a few that he wouldn't trust one of his patients to if they were the last doctor on the earth.

“Are you all ready to go?” his mother asked with a smile from the porch. She was sitting outside in a thick coat, a cup of coffee clutched between her hands. She looked happy, content. She motioned to the second chair, which Cas took as his cue to go sit down.

“I want to talk to my son for a minute, is that okay?”

Of course mom.” Cas said with a small smile on his lips, putting the presents next to him. “Always. We haven’t gotten a lot of time to talk.”

“I am sorry we’re always working, it cannot be nice for you to spend the holidays at home only for us to never be here. Truth is, we didn’t think you’d be coming down until you let us know two weeks ago,”

“I know, I am sorry I haven’t been around, it’s been hard to actually manage to get away from the hospital.”

“You don’t hate us, do you?” she asked softly, and the question threw him a little bit. He didn’t know how she could think that.

She must have seen the question in his eyes, because she continued on speaking, “Just, you never visit us, we don’t talk all that often. You seem almost reserved when you’re talking to use. I don’t know. It’s like you felt like you  _ had  _ to be here because Dean came to his parents too.”

God, it sucked how right she was with that and he understood. He understood that she had gotten that impression from him, because it was true that he hadn’t really taken enough time to be around his family.

“No, mom, it’s nothing like that. If anything, I appreciate being around you. Because I know that I haven’t been. It’s been nice to get to talk to you again and see you all again.” Because that was true. He had missed them. “I know we had our rocky years, but… I don’t know. I am not the same person I was then, and I know I pulled some things that I really should not have.”

“Then why haven’t you come around more often? Or called us more often?”

“Because I have been hiding something from you,” he started, surprised that his mouth was even allowing himself to speak the words. But his mother was being vulnerable with him, and that helped. It helped a great deal. “I guess I didn’t know how to bring it up or how to talk to you about it. It’s nothing bad, I am not sick or anything like that, I am doing okay, I am happy it’s just. I am getting married, mom, but I haven’t told you that I am even dating someone, which makes it even harder to say.”

“Why?”

“because I am not engaged to a girl,.” It came out soft, almost a whisper. “Because I am engaged to Dean.”

There was a short silence that followed. Almost as if his mother was short circuiting and making assumptions.

“It’s not that I thought you wouldn’t be okay with it, because I know you love Dean and I know you love me, it’s just. Coming out is hard, harder than I ever anticipated. It took me yeats to be out towards even a handful of coworkers and then I am still worried that people will jusdge me because they don’t like queer people, without knowing that I am a damned good doctor and can help them out. I have wanted to tell you for years mom, it’s just that finding the courage to tell you was hard and I, I don’t know.”

“I understand Cas,” his mom said, looking at him, “It can’t have been easy. I know that when you keep something like this inside of you for so long, it just keeps getting harder and harder. Thank you for telling me. I am happy for you.” She smiled. “Who is wearing the ring?”

He held out his hand so she could look at it.

“He has a taste for jewelry. The ring is very pretty Cas, you can be proud of yourselves. Are things okay for Dean? At his work? At home?”

“They don’t know yet either,” Cas admitted, “but at work people are okay. It’s easier now, than in the seventies or eighties. They still tease him and you know, some people don’t work very well with him, but Dean handles it okay.”

“I hope they will react well in that case. But I know Mary, she’s a good person, she’ll be okay with it.” She squeezed his hand. “Take Dean with you around our house tomorrow, I would like to meet my son in law officially. I haven’t seen him in ages either.”

“That would be lovely,” Cas sighed, happy. It was like a weight had fallen off his shoulders and he finally could stop pretending. He didn’t have to sneak out of the house, he could just tell her that he was spending the night with Dean. “Don’t tell dad? I kind of want to be the one to tell him.”

“Of course,” she said, “does your sister know?”

“She asked the day I arrived what the ring was all about, so I told her. She’s good about it.”

“Good,” she said.

“I didn’t know you never told her that I was in hospital because of my depression. She asked me the other day, I told her. In case you ever want to talk to someone about it, or she has any questions, I just, figured you should know.”

“We wanted to shield her a little bit,’ his mother admitted. “We weren’t ashamed of you Cas. We were never ashamed of you. We were just scared of the questions she would ask, and not knowing how to answer them. Because it was easy to say that you were ill and she had to be careful around you and that you might still be tired and had appointments. She didn’t question that, because well, it was easy to believe, you did not look good back then Cas. You looked physically very ill, weak.”

“I am okay now,” he reassured her, squeezing her hand. “But it’s okay, I understand, I just wanted to ask because yeah. I didn’t know that until she said it.”

“I get it,” she said, ‘I am sorry we didn’t tell her about it sooner.”

“It’s okay, maybe she needed to be a little bit older anyway, just. You know. She knows now.”

He looked over at his phone and realised it was starting to get late. “Mom, I got to go, is that okay? But we can talk more when I am back, I can show you some pictures, tell you things.”

“I am already looking forward to it,” she said with a smile, “go to your guy and his family and give them all a hug from me, will you? “

“Consider it done.”

Castiel was nervous as he rang the doorbell, even though he knew that he didn’t have to be. He knew that all of them would be still in their pjs, that the eggnog and breakfast would be ready and that they’d all take their place on the couch and talk while they tried to get around waiting for presents.

It was Mary who opened the door for him and gave him a warm smile.

“Merry christmas Cas, come on in.’ She pulled him in for a hug and honestly, Cas wished that he could say that he didn’t miss it. He had missed Mary and her warm presence, but also, the way her breakfast spread always smelled amazing.

“It smells great,” he said with a smile on his lips. “It’s going to be amazing again this year.”

“Well, I would hope so, it’s different when it’s just the three of you versus the five. Dean is already waiting in the living room and Jess and Sam should be here any minute.”

Castiel hung up his coat in the hallway and stepped into the all too familiar living room. Not much had changed since he’d last been there, the walls were still the same warm ochre and white, the pictures had been updated, but Sam and Deans kid smiles still hovered around the place everywhere. The couches were still the same comfortable, fluffy ones that he had hung out many times when he needed a break from home and needed a calm place to just write things down or read a book.

Mary had always known what was going on with him, from the moment he’d gone into the hospital. He knew that Dean had told her, because it was something that he’d needed to talk about. Cas understood it and if anything, he was almost glad that it didn’t have to be him who told her about everything that was going on.

Dean was sprawled out on the couch, scrolling on his phone. Once he saw Cas enter, he threw him a smile and pulled him for a hug. He’d checked if his mother was around or not, but she was in the kitchen finishing off whatever it was that was still on the stove.

“Hi there,” Dean said with a smile, “long time no see.”

“Indeed, I’ve missed you in those, what, two hours?” He stole a small kiss, before plopping on the couch next to Dean. “So, I’ve got an invitation for you.”

“An invitation?” Dean asked, intrigued.

“I was talking to my mom this morning, before coming over. She asked if there was something troubling me or anything like that, I think she was worried. I don’t know. I told her, about us, about everything.”

“How did she react?”

“She’s happy for us, but she also wanted to invite you over so she could officially see her future son-in-law again, because she hasn’t really seen you around yet.” Castiel’s heart had never felt lighter than saying those words. For a long time, he’d thought that would not be possible. That he would never be able to say those words because they wouldn’t react right, or because he would just never summon up the courage to tell her. “I asked her not to tell dad yet, I would like to tell him myself. But, she reacted well and misses you.”

“I am so happy for you Cas,” Dean said, a small smile on his lips. “How are you feeling about it?”

“Happy, good. It was god damn nerve wracking his what I know,’ he sighed, “but now that it’s over, it feels good, it feels comfortable.”

It was at that moment that the doorbell rang again and Sam and Jess came in, both also burdened with a big bag of presents. They said hello to everyone, then fell down on the couch together. Sam got up to help his mother in the kitchen, like he always did, every Christmas. In the evening, it would be Dean helping her out, which Dean had always thought of as unfair because there was always so much more work to do. However, Cas knew that Dean didn’t mind. He loved spending time with his mother. Yes, maybe she was overcontrolling in how he cut vegetables and how he plated up things or spread them out, but it was a good experience for both of them.

“Come, dig in,” Mary called from the dining room. All of them had been waiting anxiously for precisely that call, with the smells coming out of there some place between heaven and the best bakery in the world.

She had made pancakes, eggs, toast, doughnuts, everything that they could imagine. Normally, Mary was someone who liked to cook healthy meals. Growing up, Sam and Dean had been forced to eat healthier options for breakfast often, and that was the only reason that they still had oatmeal and toast for breakfast now, years after.

Mary had also uncorked a bottle of champagne, which each got a glass from but Jess, who had a non alcoholic champagne instead. They piled up their plates and ate until their bellies were full and they were all happy.

Like most years, there was not a lot being said around the dinner table. Most of them were too busy eating, while Mary ate calmly and looked at all the members of her family, and Cas with affection.

She must like it, after all these years to have everyone back in the same place. He knew that she missed this, that she missed the family coming together and talking and just generally having a good time.

She didn’t even know yet that in truth, she was looking at her own family, that Cas soon would be as much a part of it as Jess was.

They moved to the living room soon after, their glasses topped up. Instead of each finding a comfortable couch, they sat on the rug surrounding the Christmas tree. This time, it was Cas who got the honor of giving everyone their presents.

It didn’t take long to part around the presents, some of them wrapped better than others – it was easy to see that Jess now wrapped up their presents, based on how neat their pile was.

“Sam, you start,” Mary said with a small smile. “You know the drill. I know it’s not thanksgiving, but something you’re happy about today before you get into the presents.”

Some years, when it had been hard to think of anything good, Castiel had said that he was happy to be there and to be surrounded by them, because they made days like this just a little bit easier. Today, he would have a good answer. He knew that Mary would be pleased about it. She had to be.

“I am grateful to finally see my big brother again,” he said with a smile on his lips. “and to be here with my soon to be wife and be around y’all, but also to finally be getting some things again, I am hoping for at least one pair of socks.” Everyone laughed at that, Jess just because she loved him, and the rest of them because they were just the right bit tipsy for this.

He tore open the package and found, exactly as he’d suspected, a soft pair of house socks, the fluffy kind. It had been from their mother, the joke present. Mary got everyone a little joke present, every single year. Sometimes, it was a neatly wrapped one dollar bill, other years it was silly socks or a joke book, anything within those realms.

Next up was Dean according to their circle. He had the gift that Cas had gotten for him, the silly one at least.

“I am thankful to finally see y’alls faces again,” Dean said, “it’s been quite a while and you look better in real life than you do on webcam.” They all laughed at that too, “Except you mom, you always look you best.” Dean fell quiet for a moment, as if he was contemplating something. They were all waiting for him to tear open the package in his hands.

“You don’t remember how to open up a gift after all these years?” Mary asked with a smile.

“I do, I do.” Dean said. “I just have something that I want to add too.” Cas looked at Dean, confused, but Dean just threw him a smile. It reassured him, even if he did not know what he would be adding on.

“Today I am also very thankful that I get to share my soon to be husband with you and that we can all spend a nice day together.” It went quiet for a little while. Sam was smiling at Dean, Jess looked just the right amount of fake surprise that told Cas that Sam had told her but she hadn’t wanted Dean to know that. Mary just kept looking at him, as if she wasn’t getting what he was saying.

“What do you mean honey?”

“I got a boyfriend mom,” he said, his voice now a lot more nervous than it had been before. I know that I didn’t tell you guys for a long time, but. I want you to now.”

“I got that part,” she said with a small smile, “and while it’s surprising to me to hear this, I am glad that you told me. Just, soon to be husband?”

“We’re engaged,” he said sheepishly, “I know that we hadn’t told you all yet and that it was risky because it’s not like y’all even knew we were dating and that it would make this whole process a lot harder, but I have loved him for such a long time and after four years of living together and working together, it just felt right and…” Dean was babbling. Cas almost wished that he didn’t know that it was such a quirk of his, that it didn’t show just how much he wanted Mary to be okay with all of this and not angry and upset. He knew how much Dean was worrying in his head that he had fucked up the holiday.

“I am getting old,” she sighed, “both of my sons out of the house, engaged.  _ Two _ weddings to go to. God, you guys have grown.” She stood up and opened his arms for Dean, who gladly accepted his mother's embrace. “You proposed?”

“Yes ma’am.” Dean was almost beaming ass he said this, while Sam was just looking from Dean to his mother.

“Cas, come over here,” Mary said with a smile, “”please tell me my son gave you a pretty ring in the very least.” Castiel walked over and held out his hand. Mary seemed to be content, because she stretched out her arms for him too and pulled him into the hug. “it’s pretty Dean. No wonder he said yes.”

“You could say that,” Cas laughed. “I love him though.”

“You better,” she said back, “you’ve always been part of this family Cas, from when you were just a little kid. I am glad you will now be officially too.”

Dean opened his gifts and so the round went on and on and on. Most people were happy with their gifts, even the joke ones or the silly ones. Sam and Jess loved the blanket he had gotten them.

Dean and Cas got to sit closer in the very least, happy with the gifts that both of them respectively got.

They finished off the day upstairs, in Dean’s room. Mary had jokingly told them to keep the door open, to which Sam had laughed and Jess had politely just chuckled at. Honestly, truthfully, this was what Cas appreciated too. They could actually joke around and enjoy their time. Almost like being teenagers again. Or more so, the things they had never gotten as a teenager because neither of them had been out at the time and both of them had been dating boys.

Yes, Dean did get to bring the girls that he dated home, but never the guys. So it wasn’t like Dean had experienced this kind of freedom either. It felt freeing, nice. Like it was right and belonged there.

“Telling an engaged couple to leave the door open,” Dean laughed before pulling the door closed behind them. Castiel stepped in and put his arms around Dean, who also put his arms around him. “That was...nerve wracking.”

“It sure was,” Cas agreed. “How are you feeling about it?”

“Good.” Dean sighed and leaned his head against Cas’s. “I am glad that they finally know. Until now, I didn’t realize just how much I hated the fact that they did not know anything at all. It’s like...I was keeping them out of my life when all I wanted was for them to be in it. You now? And that’s good. I like that. More than I can say.”

“I am so happy for you Dean,” he sighed. “So happy.”

They moved over to the bed, laying facing each other, too pushed together but neither of them cared about it. They hadn’t cared about it all the other nights either.

“I swore that my heart was going to beat out of my chest though, that was… well one of the moments in my life in which I am very happy that you’re a doctor and actually know some things about that kind of stuff.”

“Well, I deliver babies, but I get it.” Dean couldn’t help but laugh. “You very thankfully are not a lady. Or about to have a baby.”

“That’s true, I guess,” Dean sighed. “It wasn’t fun. That’s all. I know Mary was the only one there who didn’t know yet, because I know that Sam told Jess about it the second he could, you know him.”

“I do, I do very much.”

“How did it go with your mom? We didn’t really get a chance to talk much.”

“It went okay, I think. She was calm about it, she did look at me as if I was a weirdo for a second, but I don’t know, I think something clicked with her. She is happy for us, which I am happy for. She was angry I guess, that I didn’t tell her sooner, but she came around to it, she understands.” He had gone through the entire conversation many times, thinking about how she could have reacted differently, how this entire day could have been very, very differently. “She says you have a fine taste in jewellery.”

“I am glad everyone agrees with that.”

“We don’t have to hide any more, at least not here,” Cas sighed. “That feels nice.”

“Very nice.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


#  THEN

💛💛💛

Castiel had still been asleep when Dean opened the door to his room. It was only six am on the weekend and in the best of cases, he’d get another six blissful hours of sleep before his mother would call for lunch and force him out of slumbers.

Today was different. Castiel still was not sure why. All he knew was that Dean was sitting next to him on his bed, trying his hardest to keep his sobs at bay, so no one could hear him cry or see him cry other than Cas.

It hurt Cas, seeing him like this. Dean never broke down like this. He was strong and he wanted others to see that and recognise that. Yet, with Cas, he’d found the space to open that just a little bit and let the emotions come through.

“Talk to me?” Castiel asked softly, unsure what else to do. He’d pulled Dean close, but Dean had just moved away again, needing the space.

“What’s going on Dean?”

Dean looked at him, eyes red, and opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He just stared, looked at him.

“Whatever it is,” Cas promised him. “It’s safe with me.”

“Mom is at the hospital,” he said softly, voice broken and hoarse. “She woke me up an hour ago to tell me she wouldn’t be home and to ask if I could look out for Sam for a while. Dad’s been taken in tonight.”

“Does Sam know?”

“No, he’s asleep,” Dean sighed, “I didn’t want to wake him up. I know he was up until four reading that stupid book of his.”

“Would you rather go to your place, in case he wakes up?”

“Yeah,” Dean admitted, “that would probably be a good idea. I don’t want him freaking out.”

“Plus, we can talk there, you know people are up here.” Cas’s dad was always up early, even during the weekends. Years and years of waking up before the crack of dawn meant that his father meant any time after seven when he said he slept in late.

It had been his father who had let Dean in and told him to go knock on his door, that it would be okay if he came in. His dad must have worried, because Dean did not look good. He looked pale, worried. Sad.

“I will tell my dad that I will be at your place and then we can go.” Cas said. After throwing a change of clothes in his backpack, he quietly crept downstairs, so he wouldn’t wake up his mother or his sister and slid into the kitchen, where his father sat reading the paper.

“Hey, I am going over to Dean’s if that’s okay,” he said, peeking his head through the door.

“What’s going on Cas?” his father asked.

“His dad is in the hospital, his mom left this morning to go be with him, but Sam is still asleep. Dean doesn’t want him to be alone when he wakes up but, I don’t feel okay leaving him there by himself, is that okay?”

“Let me know,” his father said with a frown, “ask Mary to call us about it if she calls – we can keep the boys here for a day or so. Is it bad?”

“We have no clue.”

  
  


They walked across the street together and Dean let them in. Cas dropped his bag by the door and went to the kitchen to make coffee. Dean in the meantime had found a comfortable spot on the couch, just looking at the tv but not wanting to turn it on.

He nodded at Cas thankfully when Cas handed him a warm cup of coffee and some cereal that he had found in the cupboards. It was Sam’s, that much Cas knew, but some days, there was nothing better than a bowl of cereal loaded with sugar.

“What are you thinking?”

“I just don’t want him to die, not yet. I don’t know. I am thinking a lot. It’s a lot.” Castiel couldn’t say that he blamed him. It was a lot to deal with. Neither of them were grown ups, and even for the grown ups around them, he knew that it was hard.

“Do they think it’s an option?”

“I don’t know. With dad, you never know.” It hurt Cas that Dean could say that about his father and not even be lying. Not because of underlying health or something… born, natural. More because right now, they couldn't rely on him to be a father. To be a person to look up to.

“Maybe. I am sure your mom would tell you. Wouldn't she want to be there with you?”

“She would,” Dean admitted. “And they did say on the call that it was minor injuries. But they still wanted her to come in because. I don’t know why. I couldn’t hear that.”

“You were listening?”

“The phone woke me up. My door was still open to a crack. I could hear her talking to the officer.” It was silent for a little bit. “I just hate this.”

It was eight am in the morning by the time the phone rang for the first time. Dean had talked to his mother for a couple of minutes while Castiel had made them breakfast. Mary had arranged for the fact that they would not have to go to school today, and offered to arrange the same for Cas.

She’d been surprised, but at the same time not at all surprised to hear that he’d come around to help Dean out. She had asked to talk to him for a minute too. Cas was sure that what she was telling him was the same things she’d told Dean, but Cas guessed that she needed the extra ear right now.

“I will call your mom for you, I am sure she is worried,” Mary said, “and thank you.”

“I am his friend,” Cas simply said, “of course I help out. Is there anything that I could help out with, anything you need?”

“No Cas, but thank you. I will be back late during the day for a shower and to bring some of his stuff home. I am going to call your mother and see if you guys can maybe stay there for a night. Would you like that?”

“It would be our pleasure,” Castiel assured her. “Don’t worry about Sam or Dean, Mrs. Winchester. They’re in good hands.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


#  NOW

💛💛💛

Christmas in itself was uneventful. Dean and Cas spent most of the late night texting back and forth about drunk family and then spent their first real night apart. It wasn’t that either of them liked it, but both of them were too tipsy and he didn’t really fancy climbing up to their respective rooms.

Truth be told, if they weren’t so drunk they would have probably realized that they could both just come in through the front door without either of their mother’s even batting an eye, but alas.

Thanks to the drink, they’d quickly fallen asleep, both of them.

Today though, despite being hungover, Castiel was also nervous. His mother had invited Dean over to spend some time at the house. While he was excited and happy that his mom would be spending some time with Dean, he knew that he should tell his father too. Before Dean got there.

Otherwise, it would be awkward. He didn’t want to have another family member in the house of whom he needed to hide the fact that he was engaged and happy about being engaged. He wanted to talk about what they were planning – just a small wedding here in their hometown, just a couple of people that they knew without other family members that they didn’t like as much, a cute cosy venue – and how excited they both were, he wanted to be able to talk about how proud he was of Dean for doing the work he did every single day and for being a gay cop in the city. He wanted to say that he loved Dean without having to be afraid of the wrong person hearing. He also wanted to be asked how his relationship and work and everything was going like it was completely normal, without his family being afraid of asking the wrong things and feeling like they are intruding. Because he knew that’s exactly how his mother had felt for all those years. She had told him that yesterday, sitting on the porch. How she felt that he was pushing her out again and how it worried him but that he knew that.

His dad was outside, smoking. His mother had long since forbidden him to smoke inside, because all the books were turning a mucky color and her white linens were no longer actually white.

She knew that he had hoped that it would make him stop, but the truth was that his father didn’t mind going outside to smoke, even if it was cold.

Cas joined him on the terrace, a thick coat wrapped him around himself. His dad looked at him with surprise in his face.

“We didn’t expect to see you up so soon, you were up very late and you had quite a bit to drink.” He knew that his father was calling him out on this, but the truth was that Castiel didn’t mind all that much. It was true, he probably had drunk quite a bit too much yesterday, but that was okay by him. He didn’t mind it.

“Kind of, my headache agrees with you.” Cas sighed. “Can I borrow a smoke?”

His father raised his eyes at him. “Since when do you smoke?”

“Residencies kick ass. They're tough. I am not smoking a lot, this is the first smoke I have had since flying over.” Sometimes, it was his reaction to when things were not going well, or he felt anxious. Even though he had known that this would be Anxiousness city, he had forgotten to pack his own pack of cigarettes from the kitchen table. A rookie, dumb move. “I forgot mine at home.”

“Sure, take one,” his father said, giving him the pack of cigarettes and his lighter. “How’s being home?”

“Weird,” he answered honestly, “I don’t know. It’s been so long and everything is so the same but also so different.”

“It’s nice having you back home,” his father said, looking out into the garden. “We’ve missed ya around here, especially your mother. It hurt her when you made up excuses not to come every single year.”

“I know,” he sighed, “it’s just that…’ Cas trailed off. “It wasn’t easy going back home. Not if I couldn’t be honest with you.”

“About what Cas?”

“I am seeing Dean, and I didn’t feel right telling you all because I don’t know why.” Out of all the people he had talked to about this, this was probably the calmest that he’d been able to tell anyone about him and Dean. Sure, the cigarette was helping, but. Still.

“What do you mean, you’re seeing Dean?” His father looked, rightfully, confused. “Are you like, together?”

“We are engaged. Mom wanted to talk to him, he’ll be here in a little while, around ten.”

His father was silent for a really, really long time.

“Say something?” he almost pleaded with his father. “Just, anything? The silence is not doing me much good.”

“I don’t know what Cas. You just dropped a bombshell here. Can you give me a minute?”

“Of course,” Cas sighed. “I am going to go take a walk.”

Castiel walked for what felt like hours but he knew must be not all that long. Everything was closed for the holidays and the place was deserted. He knew that he needed to turn around soon, so he could take a shower and look presentable by the time Dean got there.

His phone rang.

“Hello?” he said, without looking at the caller ID.

“Hey son, can you come home? I’d like to talk to you.”

Castiel fast walked home, lighting a cigarette on the way back. He’d stopped on his way back for a lighter and a pack of cigarettes, which he knew was not a good call, but it was needed. The only thing that coursed through his veins was anxiety. His father never called him back home for a chat with good reasons.

There had been many times over the past years, like when he had received an email from school because they were afraid about his failing grades and had wanted to talk to his parents, or the time that they had found liquor in a flask and had expelled him for a week.

Usually, the conversations were not good and Castiel ended up grounded, taken from his privileges, or anything else amongst that spectrum.

His father was waiting for him on the porch. He had a lit cigarette and he had plopped down on the couch, despite the cold. His father never did that, always preferred to remain standing.

“Come sit down,” his father gestured to the spot next to him.

“Okay?” Castiel lit up a cigarette of his own, despite having only just smoked one. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Are you gay?”

“I am,” he admitted, “I’ve only ever been interested in guys.”

“How long have you known?”

“Since I was a teen, but I guess I probably could have guessed something was going on around twelve. You must have realised that I never really dated much.”

“I am starting to think that that is only because you were not bringing your dates back home.” his father said, “and it would explain how Dean ended up in your bedroom so many ties when we didn’t even know that he’d gotten there in the first place. Or that your mother’s roses always seemed to grow in a weird pattern there. Only when you guys went off to college did they start blooming normally.”

“Yes and no,” Cas sighed, “it wasn’t that. I didn’t date much. Sure I went to the movies a couple of times with someone, but I didn’t date much. I was too scared of it being out that I was gay. Like I said, I don’t know, I was scared about it.”

“And you’re serious about Dean?” his father asked, gruff. “You guys are certain that you guys love each other and that you don’t want to date around more?”

“Yeah.” Cas had been sure of that for years and years. “We’ve been falling for each other since we were fifteen dad. We only got together throughout school, especially after we got an apartment together. We’re serious. I love him and he loves me.”

“Okay,” was all his father said for a while. “I get it. It’s okay. Like, yes Cas, I am disappointed that you didn’t feel you could tell us, but I get it. Is it dumb that you didn’t talk to us for four years, because you were hiding your boyfriend. We missed you.”

“Me too. I know it was dumb, but I just wasn’t ready.” Which was the truth, he didn’t even know if he felt ready now. It had been a lot of intense conversations in only a handful of days and it was draining. But at least he had made sure that the next holidays he could take would not be this kind of exhausting, they would be better and he would be able to enjoy them more. Or at least, so he hoped.

“Well, if you want to save your boy from your mother, now’s the time,” his father said. Castiel turned around to where his father was looking and he realized that yeah, he was right. Dean was sitting down with his mother and they were talking. Part of him wanted for them to have a private moment.

“I should give her a chance to get it through with just him for now.” Cas sighed.

“You’re brave,” his father laughed.

“We okay?”

“Of course we’re okay. You’re my son. I don’t care what you’re like. I just know you’re my son. I know I haven’t always given you reason to think I was okay with everything and I know that I didn’t always do right by you. I am sorry for that. But you’re who you are and that’s okay. Might just take me a moment to wrap my head around.”

“That’s okay, it took me a really long time too.”

He finally rescued Dean after half an hour of conversation with his mother. To Cas’s pleasant surprise they were laughing about the police precinct he worked at and what kind of things went down where they lived.

“Cas,” his mother said with a smile. “Glad you finally get to join us.”

“I am sorry, I needed to talk to dad for a little bit.”

“And smoke?” Dean asked, his eyebrows raised. “I thought that was only a stressful situation.”

“Well, it was,” Castiel defended himself. “I told him everything, about us.”

“Was he okay?” his mother asked carefully.

“He was, it took him a moment to get his head around everything but,” Castiel said, “he’s okay with it. Just grilled me to make sure that I love you enough to go through with it and not regret it, not because you’re a guy but because marriage is a big thing and he didn’t want me to rush into it.’

Dean took his hand and gave him a reassuring squeeze. “I am glad.”

“He also said it made sense all of a sudden why the bushes in the garden we’re starting to grow weirdly again,” Castiel laughed. Dean blushed a shade of red that he  _ knew _ that Dean hated, but Castiel couldn’t help but be chuffed at it. Because he had made Dean feel that way, about something they’d done for years and years and years. “But yeah, he’s okay with it. Had me worried there for a moment.”

“I am glad we’re finally telling you all,” Dean chimed in. “A little late and a bit of a bombshell but…

“I think the difference is that we know you both,” Amelia chimed in, “it’s different, I’ve seen you grow up next to Cas. Makes it easier than if he brought in a stranger and said he was engaged to them. Even if it would have been a girl.”

“So you don’t want me to get engaged for the fun of it?” Castiel laughed.

“Not once you see the wedding bills honey,” his mother shot back, “and that is  _ without _ a nice honeymoon away someplace warm.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


#  THEN

💛💛💛

Castiel was sitting awkwardly in the middle of a couple of Dean’s friends. The bar was loud and despite the fact that he’d seen all of them over the years, and heard a lot about them, Castiel hadn’t really got a chance to meet any of them.

Dean’s graduation from the police academy meant that he’d finally been able to put faces to all the names he’d learned over the years that they’d been renting their apartment together.

Quite honestly, it was kind of nice. Both of their parents had been there for the graduation, neither of them wanting to miss this important milestone. Cas couldn’t say how proud of him he was that he had not given up even if it was exhausting and the drills were tough. Even if the paperwork and studying meant Dean was up until four am some days, trying to just get everything done.

“To finally finishing,” Jo said, raising her glass. The other’s quickly joined her in the middle of the table. It was almost odd,that Dean was finishing with school and he would still have a couple of years left before he could finally say goodbye to all the textbooks and just do what he wanted to do most of all. At the same time, it was worth it. He knew that the irregular hours would probably drive them apart and that at some point in life, they would get seperate places because it just worked out that way or work would send Dean to a remote location. At some point, best friends split up and went on with their lives without seeing the other every single day of their life.

Truth be told, Castiel didn’t want that to happen. Yet somehow, that had been the thing on his mind the entire day. He had smiled and been proud and taken photos of Dean receiving his diploma , he had high fived him and then gone out for a meal with the entire family, but still.

“To this year's new cops,” Castiel chimed in as he joined his glass with theirs. “Cheers.”

Dean cornered him around one am, when most of the other’s had gone home and just Jo, Dean and Cas were the ones left at the bar. He knew that Jo  _ should _ probably call it a day if she wanted to meet up with her mom in the morning, as she’d told them was the plan, but he wasn’t intent on stopping her either.

She was off at the bar, ordering them another round of shots. This would be her last shot, before her cab would be here to take her back to her apartment. The driver had told her that it would take half an hour because it was busy, so she’d decided that that was the perfect time to celebrate.

“You okay there?” Dean asked him all of a sudden.

‘Yeah, why?”

“You’ve been in a whole other universe the entire time man, spit it out.”

“I was just realising you might leave, which is weird.” it was the best way he could put it. Because yes, it  _ was _ weird to him that Dean would just stop being in his life and that neither of them would have any control over when that would happen. “I don’t know.”

“I don’t want that.”

“But it might happen,” Cas sighed. “You never know where they assign you or send you. It’s not like you have free choice and that they’re taking new people all over the place.”

Jo put the shots on the table.

“To a great evening with friends,” she said, clinking their glasses together. “It’s been fun to hang out Cas.”

“It has been,” Cas agreed. Because, truth be told, Jo was the one of Dean’s friends that he actually liked most and had seen around. She’s crashed on their couch a couple of times, when cabs weren’t driving or they had important days coming up and she could not afford to be late. Sometimes, also when she didn’t have the money to fill up her tank and her next paycheck wouldn’t be due for another couple of days.

“I hope I will see you around still,” she said, “Me and Dean will be sticking together here,s so.”

“What do you mean?” Castiel frowned at that. He didn’t know that they had received their posts already. Even though they had known for about a week now whether they had succeeded or failed. He didn’t know that they had already been told if they could even choose where they were going for their first.

“We got our placements yesterday,” Jo said, “Dean and I will both be suffering here in the local PD. They liked us enough to keep us on.”

“I am so happy for you,” Castiel said with a grin.

‘Way to ruin the surprise, Harvelle,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. “I was going to surprise him with that.”

“Woops.” she laughed, before drowing the shot in one go. “My driver just told me they’re here, I am going to go out front.”

“Well join you,” Dean said, before all three of them got up and walked Jo outside. “You be safe and let me know when you get home and if you manage to make it to breakfast.”

“You just want all the juicy details,” Jo laughed, but pulled Dean in for a hug. “You know I will. You too okay?”

“Will do,” Dean promised. Jo also pulled Cas into a tight hug, which made the floor spin just a little bit more than he had originally anticipated.

“You take care Cas.”

“See you around Jo.”

They opted to walk the ten minutes back to their apartment, instead of grabbing a cab. Dean had said that at least it would sober them up a little bit, which Castiel guessed was right. Walking seemed to almost be challenging, but after just a minute, his mind cleared.

Mostly, they walked in silence until they got back to their apartment. Only once they got to the building and walked up the stairs to the top floor did they start speaking.

“I am sorry she ruined your surprise,” Cas said, apologetically.

“Well, me too. At a bad time too, because we were just talking about it.”

“Yeah,” he agreed.

“You know I chose to stay here because I want to be around you, right?” Dean asked. “I had a choice of two places to go, either home or stay here, but I didn’t want to go back home if it meant leaving you behind. That would just be weird.”

To be fair, it would feel weird, very weird. The apartment would feel empty without Dean. Cas had guessed that he could take on a different person to fill his spot, but that would be even weirder. It would feel like a breach of privacy, and Cas was not sure that he wanted that.

“Is that not what friends do? Grow up together and then start up their lives, separately?”

“I guess so,” Dean said as he unlocked the door to their apartment and locked it behind them once they were in. ‘What if I don’t want us to be just that? What if I don’t want to be just best friends?”

Castiel was very,  _ very _ confused at the things that Dean was telling him. What did he mean when he said that he meant that he didn’t want to be best friends?

That was, until Dean leant in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. Then, it all clicked. In such a beautiful way. Castiel pulled Dean closer for another kiss, happy at the chance to finally get a chance to explore those soft lips he’d only felt once, all those years ago.

“You would want to date me?” he asked, hopeful. He knew it was clear in his voice that that was exactly what he wanted him to say. That all he needed to hear was that  _ yes, Cas. _

“I do,” Dean said. “I have wanted to. To do that, for a while now, but I never built up the guts to actually do it.”

“I am glad you did,” Cas admitted, before pulling him back in for a longer, deeper kiss. They fit together almost perfectly, their heads at just the right angle.

There wasn’t much talking after that. After that, it was lazy kisses and falling on Dean’s bed, curling up together and falling asleep. He knew that both of them must have had other plans, but it had been a long and exhausting day and it was comfortable.

Castiel got to hear Dean’s heartbeat as he fell asleep. The steady thumping like a lullaby.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


#  NOW

💛💛💛

if coming out to his parents had been weird, it felt even weirder to have Dean in his bedroom, with his parents full knowing, past midnight. Dean had come over a little after late, and after watching some obligatory tv watching with his parents and Anna, they had excused themselves to go to bed.

“Everyone knows,” Cas said softly. They were laying in bed again, just looking at each other. Their clothes had long been ditched for comfortable underwear and t-shirts. But Cas had to be honest, it wasn’t that he was all that distracted. Not when Dean’s face was right there.

“It’s weird,” Dean said, “but it’s also good. I don’t know.’

“It’s new,” Cas admitted. “I like it though. I am glad that we don’t need to hide from them anymore, that we can just be ourselves and plan the wedding and know that the people we  _ actually _ want there know and support us.” Because, yeah, it was nice. It was very nice.

“Do you want to get married here, in our hometown?” Dean asked softly. “I know friends might have to make the flight here, but I think I’d like that.

Cas let himself imagine it. The familiar streets, going to city hall to sign the papers, having a nice little get together with some friends from work, both from Dean and his side, and then his family there. He could imagine Anna as his maid of honor, Sam as Dean’s best man. Even if it wasn’t for now and even if it wouldn't be for another while longer, it felt nice, imagining it like that. Nicer than imagining it without any family there, doing it some place that they didn’t know all that many people but plenty of criminals that Dean had put behind bars.

“I think I would like that too,” Cas said, before scooting closer and pressing a soft kiss to Dean’s lips. Even after all these years, it was still a magical feeling knowing that Dean was his and he could kiss his lips. That every single part of Dean was at his disposal if he needed them or wanted them. And that felt nice, and magical, but also oh so right. All those years of pining suddenly made sense. It felt right.

“Let’s call that a deal,” Dean said in between kisses. His hands roamed down Cas’s side, down to his hip bone. “I love you Cas.”

“I love you too. So much.”

They woke up late the next day, their legs in a tangle and Cas dangerously close to falling out of the narrow bed. For the first time in a couple of days, he finally felt truly rested. Without having had any nightmares about how this trip could go wrong, without a weight pressing on him, a secret they needed to keep.

“Good morning sleepyhead,” Dean mumbled sleepily. “Good afternoon? I don’t know.”

“I think we have deserved that sleep.”

“We did.” There had been no alarm clocks, no sneaking out of each other’s house like teenagers, so their parents wouldn’t catch them the same way that Sam had. “Not a single regret about any of this.”

“Neither do I. I never thought we ever would have sex in your old bed, though,” Dean mused, “very creaky and loud.”

“Thankfully everyone sleeps very soundly,” Castiel laughed softly. “thankfully.”

“Whether they know or not, that would have been a very, very, very awkward meeting with your parents,” Dean laughed.

“And with Anna, because her room is right next door.” Which was very true. Was it possible that they heard anything at all last night? Yes. Did Cs regret it? Not even a single second. It was great, and wonderful. It had been something that teenage Cas could only ever dream of.

“Do you have any idea how much I just wanted to kiss you when we were teens?”

“If it’s anything like with me, I know. All I wanted to do was kiss you.”

“It’s a shame we were never any braver than this. Maybe we would have already been married, or maybe they would have already known and this could be just a regular pit stop. Maybe we would have actually had something more out of it.” Dean was right, it was a shame that they never did follow up with their feelings when they were kids. Things would be so different now if they had. Their parents would have known much sooner, because teenagers are not good at keeping things secret, they would have been able to be those teens that they never got to be and, truth be told, they would have gone on to college with a plan, instead of just skipping back and forth and thinking of how things could possibly work out.

“It is a shame,” Cas agreed. “But here we are now. We are getting married, Sam is getting married soon, Jess is pregnant. Things have changed.”

“I’d like to think it is all for the better.”

“It is.”

  
  
  


Packing felt strange. Even though it had been a stressful visit, Castiel didn’t want to leave this comfortable and familiar space. It had been nice, not to be in the routine of work and daily living, not to be cooking but actually get to taste his mother’s cooking and sit down with Mary and walk all these familiar streets.

It was very different, leaving. But at least they knew, they would be coming back, next year, maybe sooner. And they would feel comfortable doing that.

It was all that Cas could think about while he was packing to go home. That now, they knew that there were no more secrets, everything was out in the open and they were free. Free to be and act however they wanted to.

Sam would pick them up in a half an hour to drive them to the airport, so they could catch their flight home and go back to their daily life. If Cas could, he would freeze this. He would freeze this moment and just live in it, forever. This comfortable space with Dean.

But he could now. Always, everyday. No more telling each other when they would be video calling so that if the other person came in, they wouldn’t accidentally call out  _ hey honey or  _ they wouldn’t have to think about making sure that the other rooms in the house were properly looking like they were slept in and lived in when they only used one bedroom.

Even if it had been hard to make the decision. It was right.

It felt right. Calm, comfortable,  _ happy. _

  
  



End file.
